For a long time now I’ve wondered just how long I’ve actually been depressed. It’s all I’ve ever known, this dark state of mind. Wondering when this dark cloud will disappear from the sky of my mind. Watching rom-coms and feeling jealous of the “happy people”. Then I think it’s all just in the movies, no one can be that happy in real life, can they? I’ve always assumed that was the case.
Likewise, I’ve always assumed that I was some what normal in terms of mood and my actions within society. But then I realised that’s not the case; locking myself in my room, loud music blasting, crying and carving the word “hate” into my arm. There is nothing normal or sane about that. Don’t know how I managed to convince myself that everyone else was the “same”.
Seeing people at school, uni and around town shopping, smiling and laughing. They look happy. It makes me wonder what happiness really is. Is it just a state of mind? Is depression the opposite to happiness? And if so is there anything inbetween? Strange questions, I know. But what is happiness, if it really exists?
I’ve always hated the question “you alright?” in that concerned tone. I’ve always snapped back with “I’m fine!”. People never got the hint that I despised that question and still do to this day.
Why can’t scientists invent a pill which can totally get rid of depression? Get rid of bad thoughts instead of crappy placebo drugs which they like to call “anti depressants”. They are meant to stop you feeling depressed but it’s not possible if you can’t get rid of the thoughts inside your head. This is the problem I guess most people have when faced with depression. The doctor just gives you some pills and tells you the feeling will go away within 6 months or so. I’d like to see real studies regarding these anti depressants, see just how many people “recover” in 6 months. I doubt it’s very many despite what they say.