Apart from yesterday (13th April 2011), the past couple of days I’ve been consumed by nothing. My pill taking has been all over the place, I’m meant to be lowering the dose so that I can come off sertraline to change to a different anti depressant. I’ve wanted to do so many strange and slightly stupid things but haven’t due to money and obviously the fear of being ridiculed an being labelled a nut. Then again I suppose I’m desperate to find happiness. But buying random, unnecessary things online will not make me happy. Nor will acting on any of my impulses, if anything they will make me feel so incredibly guilty and stupid.
There have been 2 things with have been on my mind, yet they come with no feelings. No happiness or sadness. I’ve toyed with the idea of buying a guitar. Perhaps this isn’t so strange. But I have no idea how to play a guitar and as much as I love to listen to music it’s doubtful that I’d be able to play it. Also, as I’m left handed I’d have to get a left handed guitar (this is partly due to slight OCD on my part). It would also be more difficult to get a left handed guitar and would be a lot more expensive than right handed ones. I have no time to read self help books so as if I have time to learn how to play a guitar. Means I’d have to teach myself and I know I’d get annoyed and give up then it would all be a waste of money.
The other strange thing that crossed my mind over the past few days is going out for a run. Me… run. Yeah right. I’m not a health freak or exercise regularly. Couldn’t imagine myself jogging or going to the gym. It would be good for me but I know I’d expect too much. I’d expect to be fit and healthy after a short time and I’d never keep any of it up so it would be pointless. Then again I suppose I always look too far ahead into the future and then it prevents me from doing things which can benefit in the short term more than the long term.
Time has gone by so quick and it’s not because I’m having fun. It’s because I’ve felt so numb and empty. It’s like some days I’ve taken my meds and the sun has been shining yet I’ve felt no different. The sun just makes me angry, the flowers make me ill and I’m scared to death of bees and wasps. Overall, I hate “nice, sunny days” I hope everyone gets sun burnt.
Shall I tell you what I feel inside? Nothing… Now I’ve got a headache. Great! My nothing causes something. Think that’s my life in a nut shell.