Start Of The End

Taking one extra pill is so tempting. It will either make me very happy for the day or it will make me feel sick. Not sure if it’s worth it today (29th March 2011).

I could so easily take the whole packet of pills and more. Why haven’t I? Guess I’m a little scared, but I know after I’d done it I’d be happy. One day I know I’ll take too many pills. Who knows if that will really make me happy or not?

Cut myself yesterday. Don’t know why. When I think about it, do I need a reason? I didn’t even feel that low. Just wanted some pain and I got it. In the form of 6 cuts on my right are. It wasn’t enough, I wanted more I gave up because I was too tired. Story of my life right there.

Also cut myself today. Thought it might have made me feel slightly better about going out, but it didn’t. I cut my right thigh for a change. Suppose that’s why it made me feel a bit uneasy. I’ve never cut anywhere besides my right arm before. In a way, I got the impression that that’s how I felt the first time I cut myself. Almost as though people can tell, even though they are covered up and no one can see anything. I felt that I can cover my thighs easier than my arms. 6 more cuts to add to my body.

Is 25 days really the longest I can go before I relapse? Will I ever stop these self destructive ways? Looks doubtful. It’s all I know, no one ever taught me how to cope so I had to teach myself. A reason why most people shouldn’t be left up to their own devices. I don’t know who or when I discovered cutting as a way of coping, it was a big mistake I know that much. No one should ever feel the need to hurt themselves no matter how bad things get. I know this makes me a huge hypocrite. But I regret starting, so I guess that makes me less of a hypocrite. People look at your arms, those who don’t know you look on with disgust, those who know you look sad and sometimes it hurts them. Imagine waking up everyday, looking at your arms, seeing the cuts ans scars and feeling the guilt, shame, sadness, disgust and pain. You begin to hate yourself more and more, then you can’t seem to stop. You get trapped in a vicious cycle in a dark place and I’m yet to find a way out. But I’ll be sure to let you know if and when I do!